Paleo Twitterfomercials and the beginning of the end

17 Nov

A rant.

I can already see the beginning of the end for Paleo. Yes, sometimes I am a glass-half-empty kinda gal.

When I open my Twitter feed of ‘Paleo Tweeters’ I see twitterfomercial after twitterfomercial, selling the next big thing in paleo self-help diet maintenance and control, recipes for pumpkin custard spicy non-dairy paleo latte (I swear Mrs CL ordered the exact same thing from an LA Starbucks a few years ago around Thanksgiving).

Newsflash, primal people: CAVEMEN DIDN’T HAVE OPPORTUNISTIC MORONS SHOVING THIS MARKETING CRAP DOWN THEIR THROATS ALL DAY EVERY DAY! THEY GOT UP, RAN AROUND, ATE AN ANIMAL, LAY AROUND IN THE SUN, TOOK A SWIM, FOUGHT OVER A WOMAN, THEN ATE ANOTHER ANIMAL, THEN WENT TO SLEEP.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I never saw a caveman chowing down on anything that looked remotely like this:

Paleo primal pumpkin alternative substitute pastry crust holiday pie with cop-out paleo non-dairy frosting

I keep worrying that tomorrow I’ll visit Twitter to find you can now buy frozen paleo dinners, instant dehydrated just add water paleo cup-a-snack, paleo desserts packed with all-natural carbs and fructose. I thought the whole point of being paleo was doing it all yourself. Arm yourself with knowledge and go forth and put it into practice. We no longer have to rely on being marketed to and being on the consumerism merry-go-round – we are aiming to break that model; it is the cause of all the trouble to begin with! We don’t need the middle man. All we need is the outer limits of the grocery store, where the meat and veg are kept, and the world is our oyster. This entire economy springing up around paleo is totally counter to the ideology of what it means to be paleo/primal. If you buy into it – YOU ARE NOT PRIMAL! YOU ARE A GLUTEN-FREE, GRAIN-FREE, DAIRY-FREE ITERATION CONSUMER OF THE SAME CRAP EVERY OTHER SUCKER CONSUMES. You need to know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it – the first and only rule of paleo.

 

Talk about taking away our agency in our own decisions – a “paleo-approved” food label! What’s to stop this thing becoming just as warped and ineffectual as the Heart Foundation Tick (currently endorsing McDonalds filet-o-fish meals)? And to be paleo you need to practice an optimal balance of the foods you eat, not just grab 6 packets of ‘paleo-approved’ lard and eat them in one sitting. Walmart will have a whole paleo-approved section, and will have found a way to industrialise grass-feeding, and get endorsed for it.

Anyway, it’s inevitable, really. Like the dotcom boom and bust. And this grumpy old cavelesbian will be left muttering to herself, “Being paleo actually meant something in the good ol’ days… We had to decide for ourselves what to eat and how to live, based on our knowledge and independence.”

 

 

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