Now with Foreword from Rikard Nicholey: “Fuck you, C*nt!”

7 Sep

I have had such success with my CaveLesbian Paleo Cookbook for Weight Loss that renowned paleo blogger Rikard Nicholey of has now penned a foreword endorsing the effectiveness of the diet, which will be included in version 2.0.

Rikard Nicholey’s Foreword: “Fuck you, c*nt!”

If that doesn’t inspire you to join in the fun, nothing will!

Thanks, Rikard!

Testimonials: CaveLesbian’s Paleo Cookbook for Weight Loss

7 Sep
What a response! In the first 10 minutes since the cookbook was published, I received the following testimonials about the success of the CaveLesbian Paleo Cookbook for Weight Loss!!
@wodfather: I regrew hair and my lisp disssssappeared
@gone2croatan:  It cured my persistent cough and bum leg! And also got me laid!
@meeses: I think my canine anxiety might be totally gone!
@privateuser: I now have the perfect female physique, meaning shredded abs but still have big boobs and a butt. Thank you.
@cookingdirty: Just reading it cured EVERYTHING!
@GertrudeIII: I have gained higher self-esteem and smaller (looking) hips!
Don’t delay – get my free cookbook now!

Free CaveLesbian Paleo Cookbook for Weight Loss!!

7 Sep

A lot of people ask me to post more recipes on this blog. I happen to think there are enough paleo recipes floating around to fatten my entire Twitter Feed (and their wallets!) a hundred times over for twice the term of their natural lives (which is admittedly much longer if you are paleo), so I have been understandably lax.

However, I have noticed that many paleo folks are so enthusiastic about all the scrumptious paleo recipes and paleo ‘versions’ of their favourite junk foods (meatza, fat bread, bacon-with-everything, paleo pumpkin pie, EVOO mayonnaise, coconut butter, pork belly, bunless McDonalds feasts, paleo-crumbed fried chicken in duck fat) that they, like me, are having trouble shifting the last few kilos of pre-paleo lard (and I refer not to the delicious porcine lard variety – but to real human love-handle lard). To assist my calorically challenged friends in paleo land (for, it turns out calories DO count and unfettered LCHF satfat guzzling doesn’t sustain weight loss long term), I have written a paleo cookbook!! And am giving it away for free!!

My brand-spanking new CaveLesbian Paleo Cookbook for Weight Loss cookbook is based on the most recent research to turn everything we know about food and weight loss on its head – the food reward hypothesis. The recipes are specifically tailored to target fat loss through low palatability and low reward (otherwise known as “simple” or “bland”), without leaving you hungry and spending hours in the kitchen turning nuts into butter and fermenting your own sauerkraut. The theory behind food reward is that we just eat too darn much, and that’s why we get fat! And the reason we eat too darn much is that food tastes too darn good! Paleo-peeps are literally OBSESSED WITH FOOD! To free yourself from this prison of gluttony, you need my new book pronto!

But clearly a cookbook with boring and flavourless recipes will be impossible to sell. Ergo I am publishing the whole thing for free!! Right here in this blog post!

My guarantee: If you eat to fullness every day only from my recipes, I can guarantee you will lose that stubborn weight that won’t shift even though you have slavishly followed all the other popular paleo cookbook recipes!

CaveLesbian Paleo Cookbook for Weight Loss:

Steak, potato and spinach

Boil a steak
Boil a potato
Steam spinach

Add to plate to serve
Do not season

Chicken potato and spinach

Boil a chicken breast
Boil a potato
Steam spinach

Add to plate to serve
Do not season

Fish, potato and spinach

Boil a fish
Boil a potato
Steam spinach

Add to plate to serve
Do not season

**All these recipes can be easily converted to vegetarian and vegan by omitting the animal products

And there you have it! Effortless weight loss on the paleo diet without feeling hungry! (cos that’s what it’s all about!)

Coffee snob espresso-ordering techniques

30 Aug

I had no idea people even behaved like this:


“You’re using a blend? What are the different regions in there?”

“I like a brighter-tasting espresso. How would you describe yours?”

“Are you dialed in to your machine? When was it last serviced?”

“I was in France, and they pull their shots for about 65 seconds, and then dip a croissant in it. Kind of like a cookie in milk. Can you do that for me? Do you have twice-baked croissants?”

“I want my espresso iced, but can you pull the shot into a centimeter of water, just to save the espresso from souring? Also, do you have almond milk?”

At least now I don’t feel so bad for squeaking shyly: “Do you do macchiato?”

Pyramid Schmyramid

30 Aug

Simple yet pertinent point; the reason the food pyramid has been killing us is that nobody has been obeying it:

Hob Nobbing with the Big Nobs at Nobu

9 Aug

We went to Nobu for dinner, but the actual food was slightly overshadowed by the fact that when we went in and sat down, the most hunted woman in America after K-Stew was sitting right behind Mrs CL – along with her 6-year-old daughter and nanny.

Initial excitement was quelled when I quickly realised I would not be able to photograph Mrs CL or my food, as every time I took my camera out, a waiter sprinted over to stand between me and the former Mrs Cruise, and a huge bouncer-type dude cast a withering stare at me until the camera went back into my bag. This kinda pissed me off, as I couldn’t give a shit about taking her picture, but I wouldn’t have minded a few more shots of my new wife!

Since Mrs CL had been seated in a really annoying seat with waiters pushing past and bumping her and hovering over her as they chatted to other diners, we swapped seats, so now she was facing the celeb table and I was facing the window, which overlooked a lot of scaffolding out on Hudson Street. I now took this opportunity to take a pic of Mrs CL swigging sake out of a “masu”, as I sipped on my own Emporio Martini (Tanqueray with cranberry, lychee and sake).


Mrs CL’s wooden crate full of booze

The food was nice enough but did not even come close to all the hype.

The cod with miso was a standout (or, THE standout – it was absolutely delicious), and everything else was just ‘good sushi’, ‘good sashimi’, and ‘good chocolate souffle’…

Around the time we were enjoying snapper ceviche with Peruvian chili, our erstwhile dinner companions ran out and dove into a waiting Escalade, with the paparazzi snapping away as they went. Assuming the paps had now left, Mary-Kate Olsen took the opportunity to sneak out of the restaurant too.

So for a couple of provincials in the Big Apple, it was an enjoyable evening out at Nobu, but that had very little to do with the food.


CLs in Brooklyn

7 Aug

I have to admit I am severely turned off going to Brooklyn by the hipsters. But a friend wanted to meet in one of its many great beer gardens so we headed on over on the L Train to see what the place was all about.

We had only just emerged from the subway stairs when our worst fears were realised; “Vegetarian tamales!” yelled a young crusty hipster pushing a shopping trolley of what I can only assume were the ingredients to make her wares – vegetarian tamales. After squeezing past her we encountered not one but TWO busking outfits consisting of banjos and double basses (virtually obscured by the players’ long bushy beards).

We started off in Lucky Dog Saloon, which was fine, apart from the table next to us (all of whom were drinking Tecate and smoking American Spirit) puffing smoke into our faces for an hour or so. I got to sample a couple of local brews though and we had a fantastic catch-up with our friend, who I went to high school with. There were even a million dogs to pat as we sat around carousing – total lesbian bonus!

Our friend then suggested a place for dinner – Marlow and Sons. It didn’t look like anything fancy from the outside, and nor did the menu, which said this:

Brick chicken

But it served up delicious oysters, beautiful slow-cooked beef shanks, and a wonderful peach cobbler with homemade basil ice-cream. Not to mention a delicious German wheat beer (my personal fave type of beer). And the waiter provided me with the pleasure of viewing my very first hipster combover.

Whilst the general vibe in Brooklyn is a bit try-hard and 10 years ago for my taste, the food there is delicious and we look forward to going back there!